Tri-Kappa Labs

[Suicune's Fire]

Had I not heard the gunshots mere minutes ago, I could have sworn there was nothing wrong.

I was under the impression that the gunshots happened seconds ago, rather than minutes. A minute is a long time in these situations. If you meant minutes, I would suggest specifying so that we're aware of the time.

Bang! Bang! Bang! I spun around as I heard a loud banging against the front door downstairs.

"spun" and "span" are still words I get mixed up, but the correct term in this sentence should be "span." The use of "spun" would only be appropriate in the case of past tense, past participle. For instance, "she had spun around," but "she span around." So the addition of "had" changes it form "span" to "spun." The same rules apply to "swam" and "swum."

"Open up!" A loud masculine voice yelled, "You are now under the rule of the Greek Riders!

I noticed in later chapters that you have the same understanding of grammar in speech as what you display here, so I'm going to go ahead and teach you a bit about it. (Sorry if that sounded horribly condescending; I didn't mean for that at all.)

With speech, you have to look at it like it's a continual part of the sentence you're writing--because it is. Therefore, you need to use commas and capitals as if there were no quotations around the speech at all. This should be:

"Open up!" a loud masculine voice yelled. "You are now under the rule of the Green Riders!"

See the lowercase 'a' I put in there? And then the full stop at the end of "yelled"? Regardless of an exclamation mark or a question mark at the end of speech, unless it's the end of the sentence, then the following words which aren't part of the speech must have a lowercase and be a continuing sentence. If it's not a ! or a ? then you need a comma, and NOT a period. A period is only to be used at the end of speech if it marks the end of a sentence. I'll make some examples for you from the next chapter (and I'm putting an end quotations on the end for simplicity).

"Yeah." I said, "Job wise at least."

See how the period at the end of "yeah" cuts off the sentence? You should switch around the comma and the period so it looks like this:

"Yeah," I said. "Job wise at least."

Or, if you wanted it to continue as one sentence, have two commas and a lowercase J for "job."

"Yeah," I said, "job wise at least."

Do you see how that works? And if you were to use a word that wasn't a proper noun following the "Yeah," then it'd be a lowercase. Like this:

"Yeah," said the girl, "job wise at least."

If this doesn't make much sense, then try removing the quotations. If you have the period after "yeah" then it's a fragmented sentence, right? Because it's like sticking a random period in the middle of a regular sentence. I hope this all makes sense. :]

We are collecting tributes under the age of 25

In stories, especially in speech, you need to write out numbers as words.

Planning my jump, I failed to notice another person standing on the ground maybe twenty below me. That was a fatal mistake on my part.

I'm having a slight issue with this sentence. The story is from first-person perspective, right, but this implies that she is telling a story that already happened, rather than living it as it is written. If it was from third-person then it would make more sense, but right now, I'm not sure what the style is and if she's telling it back to us or not.

The whole "telling the story back" idea through first person would explain why there was a little bit of a lack of emotions, I felt, in this first chapter. It was also extremely short. I felt like you could have had more of an intro to the character before jumping into the action, although action is always good too. I wanted to know more about what the character was feeling, as it felt a little 'telling' and not 'showing'. I do like your writing style, however, and it's so nice to see another story on PXR! There's been a severe lack of ongoing stories here, so I definitely hope to see this one continue.

I'm keen to read more, and I'm so sorry to took me so long to post this review! I've only read one chapter and a bit of chapter two, and after I've read more, I'll be able to give a more detailed recount of my opinions. :]