The Trial of Juno Saga [PG-13]

[Suicune's Fire]

If we hadn't intervened, his stomach would be subjected to such crappy food loaded with grease and saturated fats that day.

I'm assuming it's because Jake is young and may not have proper sentence formation, but I'll say it anyway. xD This should be "If we hadn't have intervened, his stomach would have been subjected" etc. Just the addition of "have" and "been" makes it sound a lot better. Like I said, if it's because he's young and speaks like that, then that's a different story. :]

“Hey Frank!” David shouted out over a hard laugh.

There should be a comma before names when they're being addressed. This happens multiple times in the chapter. O:

Frank had Pokéballs in his backpack

"Poké Balls" are two words. :]


Chapter two:

“Mightyena, use your Headbutt attack on Ampharos.” Alex commanded.

“Ampharos, return.” Jeff commanded as he summoned Ampharos back to his Pokéball.

In both of these situations, the periods at the end of the speech should be commas. I think you know this, though, so I'm going to assume you just missed these while proof-reading/rewriting. x) It happened another time or so throughout that I didn't quote, so hopefully you can find those. xD

After stepping out the door, there they were, Frank, Randy and Jeff just waiting for us.

I think that the comma after "were" should be either a colon or a semicolon, rather than a comma.

“Gee, Frank, I seem to recall it was Randy and Jeff that lost yesterday, so I really have no clue what the heck your worthless trap talking about this time.”

There should be an "is" after "trap." :]


So here we go! The start of my Trials of Juno adventure! :D I'm so happy I got to start reading this. xD It almost feels like the good ol' PE2K days when I read nearly everything that was posted...except this! O: I'm very excited. I'm not sure how old these are and if you've rewritten them recently, but I'm assuming those errors I pointed out were old and ones you may have simply missed by mistake. :] I think there was another one or two in there somewhere, but I was reading it on the train earlier so I can't find it now. xD But train rides are perfect for reading stories! I just hate using my phone for forum stuff, so I don't really post when I'm using it. Oh well. xD

I love the idea of a story from the bully's perspective. I admit that in stories containing bullies, I've really only read ones from the victim's perspective. Seeing it flipped is so interesting to me, especially when you get inside their heads and dissect their thoughts. These guys are just such jerks. xD Geez. Like, get a hobby or something. I guess bullying Randy IS their hobby. And now Frank and Jeff, of course. I thought it was a li'l adorable how they formed an alliance. To be honest I was a little disappointed to see that Jeff lost, since I really wanted him to kick Alex's butt. I've only read two chapters so far though, so I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised once I find out what this gem does/did. I enjoyed reading the summary of the story, and it makes me super interested to find out how Jake gets drawn into that world.

I love how Randy just keeps challenging them with the same two (and sometimes his other two) pokemon. xD I felt SO bad for them when Jake was battling his nidoran and pidove though. </3 The poor things are so poorly trained. xD Especially that pidove, when it took flight right before being hit with a thunderbolt. >.< I really hope Jeff teaches Randy how to train his pokemon so they don't get beaten up so often. ;~;

Anyway, I'm probably rambling about stuff that's already been answered, but nevertheless, thanks for posting! :D I'm keen to read more. c: