[WAR] Season II: Creative Writing

[Neo Emolga]

Holy snap, it was really, REALLY hard to grade these. There were plenty of great entries and ideas and I feel terrible I can only announce three winners while I feel many of you came up with fantastic stories and worked really well with the parameters I gave you all. Even if you didn't win anything, I enjoyed everyone's story in one way or another.

I tried my absolute best and I hope people feel these were fair. It was a lot to read, but you guys made it fun and I'm glad to see a lot of participation! You guys make it a treat to be Creative Writing judge! :D

But, without further delay, here's the results!

WEEK #1

THEME: POKÉMON IN HISTORY

Imagine, if you will, Pokémon were real and on Earth. Now, take it one step further and go back into any point in world history, and imagine how it would be if there were Pokémon alongside humans. What would Medieval times be like? Or how about the Roaring 20s? Maybe you have a great idea for Pokémon in feudal Japan, ancient Egypt, or during the rise of the Roman Empire? Let it be as far back or as recent as you like!

Now, write a captivating story in the time period and place of your choice, but treat it as if Pokémon have been with us since the very beginning. (｡◕‿◕｡)

NOTE: Don't sweat the technical details like the usage of Poké Balls or man-made Pokémon. I'm okay if these kinds of things are present regardless of what time period and location you go with.

PARAMETERS
Going easy with these for Week 1, but the upcoming weeks will have more once people are accustomed to these!

1. Your story must have "finally they saw the light, but it definitely wasn't what they expected." You can decide whether to start with it, end with it, or put it somewhere in the middle! Also, you choose whether it's part of the narrative, or something a character says.
2. Make an Eeveelution of your choice have a significant role in the storyline, but it's up to you to decide how.

THE RESULTS!

[GOLD - 3 POINTS] FIRST PLACE - Blackwood by FedoraChar (The Phoenix Battalion)
[SILVER - 2 POINTS] SECOND PLACE - {what the stars said} by Elysia (Team Yoga Bears)
[BRONZE - 1 POINT] THIRD PLACE - Orb of Promises by Suicune's Fire (Jupiter Mining Corp.)

THE REVIEW RUN!

Moon and Shadows by Eternal NewMoon
Jupiter Mining Corp

Originality (17/20)
Following Objectives (20/30)
Spelling and Grammar (5/10)
Flow and Transition (14/20)
Hook and Interest (15/20)

TOTAL: 71/100

Definite plus was the introduction, and it was high on the "whoa" factor. Also, the description, emotion, and action was, and I don't use this word too often, but the best way I can describe it is "enchanting." Later on, it seemed to slow down a bit and descriptions were a bit on the hit-and-run, but they're definitely still there. While I really like the way the story opens up, it tends to get a little rough toward the end when they're on the mission to find Kosuke. My suggestion would be to just ease in a little and give yourself a enough time to keep it slow, steady, and fluid.

A few flaws I found were mainly grammar mistakes, such as:

"Yue you worried me so much." should be "Yue, you worried me so much." and "The small creature hopped down, the moonlight rays illuminated his small black body, almost dog like. the golden rings upon it's ears, tail, legs and forehead glowed in the night." You missed a capitalization there. I noticed there were tiny flaws similar to these throughout the story. Just remember, you need commas before and after names when they're being addressed. Also, when a character says something like "No, that's not right" or "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that," you need a commas after that words like that.

Also, you missed the first parameter! I did a CTRL+F on it to see it I had missed it by accident, but not even "saw the light" or "what they expected" came up either. Sorry, I hate to have to do this, but I need to take a few points off for that.

Besides that, you definitely made fantastic use of the Eeveelution parameter. I definitely took a liking to Yue the Umbreon and you did an alright job with the setting, but I think it could have been brought out a bit more. It actually took me a little while before I was able to discern what it was.

But overall, good story. Just remember the parameters, clean up the grammar a bit by proofreading and/or asking another teammate to check it out, and just keep the flow clean, steady, and fluid.

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Finding the Light by Felly
Team Yoga Bears

Originality (15/20)
Following Objectives (29/30)
Spelling and Grammar (8/10)
Flow and Transition (15/20)
Hook and Interest (17/20)

TOTAL: 84/100

Great opening and you kept a smooth and steady pace. Right off the bat, I knew exactly what you were going with and that was great. I also liked the way you implemented the Ancient Egypt setting and made creative use of Camerupt to replace camels. This was exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to see and you delivered. :)

Also, excellent use of the theme and the execution and use of both parameters was definitely A++ on that end. I know they're tricky to work with, but seeing how people creatively use them

Plot wise, I think the injection of the Gyarados attack was a bit random, even if the Espeon goddess had foreseen it. Don't get me wrong, the battle was definitely well-described and kept the action going strong, but giving the Gyarados a motive or plot-related reason to oppose the Umbreon god would have been a nice touch. Sure, we know he's probably hungry and needs lunch, but I think giving him more of an antagonist role would have been a plus.

I noticed a few tiny grammar flaws, but nothing earth-shattering. Overall, great work, looking forward to seeing more of your stuff!

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{what the stars said} by Elysia
Team Yoga Bears

Originality (20/20)
Following Objectives (27/30)
Spelling and Grammar (9/10)
Flow and Transition (19/20)
Hook and Interest (20/20)

TOTAL: 95/100

POW. What a heck of an intro! Now that was an epic way to open up your story. All throughout this entire story, your writing is pure, unblemished, and vivid poetry that even got me thinking "hey, pay attention, she knows what she's doing and you can learn something from this!"

Certain gems that caught my attention were these:

"When she sees him again, neither of them are a day older, even though many winters have passed."
~ Amazing how one sentence says so much in so many different ways.

"Her stories are meant to be spread rather than caged, and rarely does she ask for a price."
~ Really like the way you make a non-living thing like a story suddenly feel like a physical and tangible thing that can be caged and purchased. Awesome use of metaphors.

"And even the wood of this man’s spear has drawn resilience from the fires of his strange flareon, their foxes dipped in flame.
~ I've never heard a Flareon described that way, and it's awesome.

For a minute, I was a little confused at how the story switches around, and then I realized "oh, she's going through various time periods one after another!" Took me a bit of time to realize that, but when I recognized it, I wanted to go back and read the previous material again. This was definitely a unique approach and I wasn't expecting it, but I like how it works and it made an excellent use of the theme. After reading the beginning again, I was actually thinking that was all figurative, but now I see how literal it is. I'm kind of new to someone doing something like this, but in that same light, this is why I maxed at your originality points, because you took a very interesting creative risk and personally, I feel it paid off beautifully. This is exactly what I would use to describe "word art."

And then, just when I thought this whole story couldn't get any more profound, you had this:

Finally, she sees the light, but it definitely isn’t what she expected.

The quiet countryside of Japan is burned into her eyes in a blast of light, and then it recedes into nothingness as the explosion travels outward and consumes them both.

I was not expecting that and holy cow... mind = blown. You addressed that parameter perfectly.

The Eeveelutions appearing throughout time was also a nice touch, but they didn't seem to have all that much of a role or influence in the story and towards the end, they stopped appearing altogether. I could see where it would be hard given what you set out to do with it, though. Meanwhile, the ending was also a surprise that I wasn't expecting either. I can tell you gave this one a lot of great thought and planning.

Overall, I love what you did with this and I found it to be very inspiring and eye-opening.

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No Friend: No Future by Morzone
The Prism League

Originality (18/20)
Following Objectives (22/30)
Spelling and Grammar (8/10)
Flow and Transition (18/20)
Hook and Interest (17/20)

TOTAL: 83/100

I like how the story opens, and I like how you used the time period in conjunction with Pokémon. The story and the setting reminded me a bit of The Grapes of Wrath, and while most people I know weren't too crazy about that book, I liked it and the setting it used. You also did great with the description and it was quite easy to visualize it all.

One thing though... you forgot about the first parameter. You used the Eeveelution one really well and you linked it with the time period and like how well that was linked together with the coming of new technology and the hard choice George would have to make. This would have gotten an even higher score if you captured the first parameter, but you still did pretty well in that area regardless.

In terms of spelling and grammar, I found a few punctuation errors here and there, but nothing crucial.

Still, I like how you ended off the story in a sincere and emotional way. I like it when stories do that and you did a good job with this one.

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Hide and Seek by RobinHoude
The Prism League

Originality (14/20)
Following Objectives (23/30)
Spelling and Grammar (9/10)
Flow and Transition (14/20)
Hook and Interest (13/20)

TOTAL: 73/100

This story starts off in a cute and playful way (guess you realized I'm a sucker for Pikachu and Emolga!) and it was easy to like the protagonist Pikachu and his Vaporeon friend.

You nailed both parameters pretty well, but the flaw that I couldn't help but notice was the description was on the low end and if you hadn't mentioned "Chicago," I don't think I could have deduced what time period and location you were going with since the farm setting didn't reveal very much of the setting besides that. The other thing is that while the hide and seek game the Pikachu and Vaporeon were playing was fun to read, it just didn't seem to tie too well with the setting and the theme of having the story relate to history. You nailed both parameters in a nice way, but I think it missed really making the time period link to the story's plot.

The story was also on the short side, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it just feels like developing it a bit more, building on the idea and the characters involved, and using that idea to link with the setting and historical time period you have netted you a higher score.

But overall, it was a cute, fun story and I think with a little development and polish, it could be made into something even better.

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When in Rome by NobleJanobii
Team Trainer

Originality (18/20)
Following Objectives (29/30)
Spelling and Grammar (9/10)
Flow and Transition (13/20)
Hook and Interest (16/20)

TOTAL: 85/100

Great way to open up the story, but while you did a really fantastic job of describing Caesar, their surroundings didn't really get too well-described beyond being "accursed mountains." Also, I didn't realize the story was written from the perspective of a Leafeon until Caesar asked him about it. I think mentioning some of his features in the opening paragraph, such as the frost nipping at his brown paws and the snowy wind biting at his leaf tail and ears would have made it much easier to pick up on what the protagonist is. In fact, I was thinking he was human until that particular cue. Setting descriptions throughout the story could have used a little extra development, but in terms of the action, emotion, and the self-reflections that the protagonist had, you did great there.

You did make excellent use of the time period and both parameters. I recognize the fact this was a tricky thing to do, but you did great and I can definitely tell you did your homework with the time period.

The flow and transition area is where it could have used a bit of improvement, as the story seemed to jump and take different directions unexpectedly. At some points, it speeds up, and other points, it slows down and trying to grasp the passage of time was a bit tricky, especially after the breaks.

Still, great job and nicely done with the ending.

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A Heart Unchanged by LKWayvern
The Prism League

Originality (18/20)
Following Objectives (28/30)
Spelling and Grammar (9/10)
Flow and Transition (16/20)
Hook and Interest (17/20)

TOTAL: 88/100

First thing I noticed was the formatting. It would help and it is easier to read if everything is separated into paragraphs with a line between them (pressing the Enter key twice). It wasn't too difficult to read, but it would help making it look neat and organized. :)

Some of it was a little choppy with sentences that didn't quite feel complete, and there were a few areas that could have used some description and motion, but it wasn't bad. These would definitely be improvements toward enhancing the story and would make it even better.

Also, very interesting idea of using the Salem, Massachusetts witch trials as your theme! I was not expecting that at all and your idea of using an Umbreon as the subject matter about it was a creative card you played exceptionally well. I also liked the way you captured emotions and the Umbreon's confrontation with the Herdier. I feel really bad for that Umbreon, he seemed like a nice guy too that just got stuck in the wrong place and wrong time.

I really liked the way you followed the theme and made exceptional use of the parameters and then finished it off with Arceus's intervention and a pretty strong message at the end. Bit of a shock to see the Umbreon was killed off, but you used that well.

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Blackwood by FedoraChar
The Phoenix Battalion

Originality (19/20)
Following Objectives (30/30)
Spelling and Grammar (10/10)
Flow and Transition (20/20)
Hook and Interest (19/20)

TOTAL: 98/100

Yarrr, great way to open the story with plenty of vivid description, matey! That definitely pulls the reader right on in. XD

I love the description, the language, the quicksilver-like flow, and the personalities of all the characters involved. This was definitely a treat to read and your incorporation of Pokémon themes into pirate themes was definitely well done and professionally crafted.

When I got to the part with the duel, I really had no clue how it would go, so the building of intensity and suspense made it that much better. As first, I thought they were going to be drawing pistols on each other, but then I realized "it's a Pokémon battle, silly!" So I liked how you renamed certain Pokémon aspects into things like capsules, duels, and the names of moves. Also...

The pirate captain scowled, “Was that really necessary?”

I couldn't help but laugh at that.

Also, what an unexpected turn of events when the Espeon goes down! I totally did not see that coming and it was a very creative plot mechanic. Definitely, without a doubt, you made great use of pirates and Pokémon and it was a very enjoyable read with a fantastic plot twist.

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Orb of Promises by Suicune's Fire
Jupiter Mining Corporation

Originality (19/20)
Following Objectives (26/30)
Spelling and Grammar (9/10)
Flow and Transition (19/20)
Hook and Interest (18/20)

TOTAL: 91/100

Very interesting opening to a love story! And man, what a brutal protagonist you've got there! I definitely think this was a very well-done story, especially considering it was down to the wire with the submission time! It doesn't feel like it was rushed that much, which is good. I caught a few mistakes here and there, but nothing too major.

The description was really well done, and it was definitely a story with a lot of action, movement, and pacing. It was also neat to see a story that relied a lot of the protagonists reflections and how far she was willing to go to achieve her goals.

I could definitely tell you did your homework on the theme and time period given all the names you used. Also, what a surprise at the ending! That's definitely a rough way to leave it off!

Overall, great story, would have liked to see the Espeon make more of an appearance, but I think you did alright with that. You definitely made great and surprising use of the other parameter though!