Rising Smoke (a black randomized gijinka storylocke)

[Noblejanobii]

Ashur, this is our guest, Shayla Perkins.
OH MY GOD ALL OF YOUR PROTAGS ARE YOU.

I LIKE USING MY NAMES OKAY! But you've met Shayla before! She was in Tri-Kappa Labs, remember? She's a super old OC of mine and originally her last name was Perkins because I'm uncreative. SO it kinda felt weird to change that and here we are.

I liked it so far! I've only read chapter 1, but I'll read the next soon. :)

There were occasions when you would have a character speak in large paragraphs without being interrupted, but especially in this situation, I feel like there would be reactions from the other character throughout the speech, rather than afterwards. When Tyson was explaining things to Shayla, it was all in one go. Then Shayla's response was more like a written response, where you reply to everything in order. It works written down, but not often in speech. I mean, obviously that depends on the characters and their situations and it does depend on many things, but it's something to keep in mind, I suppose.

I think a lot of the errors I picked up could have been ironed out with more thorough proof reading. But some of them are recurring things like putting a comma instead of a semicolon which I know you've done since I first read a story of yours. xD Just remember where there should be a semicolon instead of a comma; if the words both sides of the comma can be sentences that stand on their own, there should be a semicolon and not a comma. (See what I did there? ;] )

I get the feeling that Shayla is quite an important person. O: And I also wonder why she is unable to obtain a real license. Tyson seems pretty cool so far, but like Shayla, I'm super curious about what kind of gijinka he is. He seems really strong if he's able to take out a guard so quickly. Good thing that guy didn't have backup. xD

Nice job so far! :D

Yeah I had someone else point out to me about the large paragraphs thing. It's a side effect from my RPing days, according to them, which I never even really thought about. That should be largely rectified in Chapter 2. There's a few instances in chapter 2 where there's like, a large paragraph but it's more of because the situation kind of warranted it? I can explain in more detail after you read it if you'd like.

You know what's funny is I had three beta readers on this and none of them pointed any of this out. XD And yeah, I don't see semicolons used that often so I tend to forget they exist sometimes. Hahaha whoops.

You'll find out what gijinka he is next chapter! In fact you'll find out quite a lot about him next chapter. ;)

Thanks! I'll look over your edits again later and see if I have any questions. I would right now but HOMEWORK.

[Suicune's Fire]

I LIKE USING MY NAMES OKAY! But you've met Shayla before! She was in Tri-Kappa Labs, remember? She's a super old OC of mine and originally her last name was Perkins because I'm uncreative. SO it kinda felt weird to change that and here we are.

XD OKAY THAT MAKES SENSE! Don't worry, I think she's as cool as you are. B) Well you're a bit cooler. And yeah I think I remember her!
*read Tri-Kappa labs a few years ago* xD

Yeah I had someone else point out to me about the large paragraphs thing. It's a side effect from my RPing days, according to them, which I never even really thought about. That should be largely rectified in Chapter 2. There's a few instances in chapter 2 where there's like, a large paragraph but it's more of because the situation kind of warranted it? I can explain in more detail after you read it if you'd like.

You know what's funny is I had three beta readers on this and none of them pointed any of this out. XD And yeah, I don't see semicolons used that often so I tend to forget they exist sometimes. Hahaha whoops.

You'll find out what gijinka he is next chapter! In fact you'll find out quite a lot about him next chapter. ;)

Thanks! I'll look over your edits again later and see if I have any questions. I would right now but HOMEWORK.

Oh really? Haha that makes sense. Well I'll definitely check out chapter 2 today so I'll look out for it. B) And yeah, it definitely depends on the situation.

That's because I'm the only beta reader you need. ;)

OOO: I can't wait!

No worries. STUPID HOMEWORK.

[Noblejanobii]

XD OKAY THAT MAKES SENSE! Don't worry, I think she's as cool as you are. B) Well you're a bit cooler. And yeah I think I remember her!
*read Tri-Kappa labs a few years ago* xD

Oh really? Haha that makes sense. Well I'll definitely check out chapter 2 today so I'll look out for it. B) And yeah, it definitely depends on the situation.

That's because I'm the only beta reader you need. ;)

OOO: I can't wait!

No worries. STUPID HOMEWORK.

Yeah don't worry about remembering it. It wasn't a very good story to begin with. XD The point is she was the main character then too.

Yeah, so hopefully you'll see improvement with chapter 2, but feel free to let me know if anything needs to be changed.

lol well I mean I can post chapters here in advance, wait for you to proof read then, and then upload them elsewhere. XD

Yeah no rush though. Though what gijinka he is will explain why Shayla doesn't recognize him but she does recognize Ashur.

GOD I KNOW RIGHT?

[Suicune's Fire]

Light filtered in through the thin curtains the covered the window to the far right.

The "the" between "curtains" and "covered" should be "that"

Josiane said she didn't remind though.

Nice contraction of "really mind," but unfortunately not a real one. xD

How was she asleep?

I think this is meant to be "How long was she asleep?"

“Good luck.” Tyson saluted to Ashur before stepping out. Shayla offered a smile, unsure what to say that would comfort Ashur.

“Our paths will cross again, one day, I promise.” Ashur smiled back and nodded as he said,

“I’ll wait for that day.” Ashur closed the door behind Tyson and Shayla.

This whole exchange was confusing to read because I didn't know who spoke the second line until I reread it. Because you have Shayla's speech, but no indication that it was Shayla speaking (especially since it just said she was unsure what to say), then Ashur's action on the same line directly after the speech, I thought it was Ashur speaking, then Ashur "smiled back" at himself and spoke on a new line. xD It was really confusing. I'd suggest either changing it so there's something indicating that it was Shayla speaking right after the words, or I'd reformat it like so:

“Good luck.” Tyson saluted to Ashur before stepping out.

Shayla offered a smile, unsure what to say that would comfort Ashur. “Our paths will cross again, one day, I promise.”

Ashur smiled back and nodded as he said, “I’ll wait for that day.” Ashur closed the door behind Tyson and Shayla.

(You could even have Ashur's action after his speech be on a new line.)

This way it makes a lot more sense. Also, again, make sure to avoid having "and said," with that comma there and then have the speech in a separate paragraph. Make sure it's always on the same line.

“Huh? Isn’t that a good thing? It would provide good cover wouldn’t it.”

Should be formatted as: It would provide good cover, wouldn't it?

An individual with a pink and blue color scheme bumped into Shayla, causing her to drop her bag. It clattered to the ground and sent all of its contents sprawling. They quickly scurried off, leaving Shayla to pick up all of her belongings.

“Hey!” Shayla shouted, but the stranger was already gone. Shayla huffed before bending down to quickly pick up her things.

For the sake of flow, I think taking out the bolded sentence would enhance the visualisation of this scene. Everything said in the sentence is said after the speech anyway, which works best directly after the bumping action. :)

“Yes, hopefully, we will need again. I’m N, you are?”

OOO: It's N! Also "need" should be "meet." xD

“Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, please move, thank you. Hey! Move your *** I don’t want to die today! Thank you!”

Lool, I laughed at this. xD But there also need to be punctuation after ***. P.S. Where PXR bleeps out a lot of your stuff, it might be worth writing some letters and manually placing the asterisks so part of the word is readable.

“Good, the rotten smuggler deserves it.” Tyson stiffened suddenly and turned his gaze back up to the hill,

Another case of putting the speech from one speaker and the action of a different character on the same line: I thought Tyson was saying this about Ashur at first! xD

“So so sorry! Don’t take it personally!”

Comma after the first "so." ;)

Tyson approached, not impacted by the sand hardly at all.

There's a conflict between "not" and "hardly" here. It should be one or the other. He was hardly impacted at all, or he was not impacted at all. "Not hardly" is not grammatically correct (even if it's not in that order). xD You could say "not impacted by the sand much at all," but not "hardly." This way it's kind of like a double negative, so technically you're saying he was impacted by the sand.

Omg so much happening!!! Awesome second chapter. :D I think it's fair to say that I enjoyed that one more than the first, because ACTION!!!!! Interesting that Tyson is a steelix gijinka! Never would have guessed myself. I enjoyed this chapter (lol I just called it an episode) a lot because it really seemed like they were in danger that they weren't going to be able to get out of. It's awesome that Shayla got her flames, but at the same time, her success was short-lived and she only got the jump on them because it was a surprise. That was a good touch. I was like "Nuuu Tyson! D:" when he was restrained and yeah, I had no idea how they were going to get out of it. Then...Ashur!! I figured he wasn't going to just stay in the house and get cooked. xD I am a little surprised that they didn't station guards outside the house in case though (unless they did and he just, like, squashed them all). I also love how he comes running down the hill apologising for attacking the guards. XD Classic Ashur.

Bianca and Cheren being guards?! Omg! I thought they were cooler than that! But nope, they're buttpies. Well. Figured. Cheren always had a bit of a chip on his shoulder. XD And wooowwww, they killed Juniper. Rude. I get the strong sense that the authorities here are quiiite corrupt. I'm also surprised that N didn't watch the altercation, especially since he took a liking to Shayla. I didn't expect him to intervene necessarily, but surely this whole thing would have attracted a lot of attention and he was probably watching. Also I can never figure out what gijinkas people are without it being blatantly stated. XD I have no idea what gijinka he was (I'd think zorua/zoroark, but he didn't seem to represent either one), or the other non-bisharp guards. Cheren was a chinchou?

Anyway, I'm keen to see where this goes. I really like Tyson. :3 AND OMG HE HAS A BOYFRIEND. Adorable. His criminal history sounds interesting too. I wonder what his brother is like. O: And his boyfriend. Interesting that his brother has medical bills; I wonder what for. O:

Great chapter! Please tag me when you post a new one. :D And feel free to let me beta for you. ;3