it's more so been an awful month rather than a day. i wish i could just like. turn back time and fix everything that i've done wrong and take back things i didnt mean to say and make amends with the people that i love the most except i know thatll never happen. i feel like i've lost everything and no matter how many times i try to put the pieces back together again i can't. i just wish to have one conversation with those that i've hurt and let them know that wasn't my intention and to please just give me a second chance but i don't think i'll ever get that chance and i feel very stuck and even if i do manage to move past it nothings ever gonna be the same.

and its caused my mental health to be so bad?? like i've tried making myself feel better. i've tried to hang out with people and it makes me feel lonelier and even being alone does absolutely nothing. ive pretty much just been napping this whole week because i'm drained and have no motivation or energy left. on top of everything i also have trichotillomania, which is the impulse to pull out your hair, and the stress is so severe on me its caused me to relapse after 6 years and now theres a spot where im missing noticeable amounts of hair on my head. i feel like talking to these people and clearing the air would make me feel a whole lot better but i'm also scared to do that and know they'll never give me the light of day.

i'm so stuck its not even funny and i miss them so bad and i've tried to reach out but i've also been shut down and i just really hope one day they see i dont mean harm and i wanna fix things and im not a bad person at all my mental health just wasn't quite where it needed to be