Originally Posted by
Suicune's Fire
Hi! I'm gonna comment on errors before I start talking about the story itself. :D This is for the first chapter only. I'm yet to read more!
I think that this semicolon is unnecessary. I would put a comma there or get rid of punctuation altogether. :] It's a continuous sentence, which is why I don't think it needs a semicolon.
This doesn't make grammatical sense; if you remove "the Distortion World became obsolete, and" then it would say "It was only a matter of time before Sinnoh breaking down." x) Therefore it should say "and Sinnoh broke down." Or maybe "collapsed" would work better.
Because of the way she is addressing Stella and calling her "honey," there needs to be a comma after "Stella." :]
Again with the comma before "honey."
Same deal for this. She's addressing her mother, so a comma has to go before "Mom." Otherwise it could be read as "Mom" being a verb. 'Oh I love it when he moms.'
You forgot to separate these two paragraphs. :]
The comma after "true" should probably be a semicolon, because what follows isn't a flowing sentence. It's separate. Also, the same comma thing applies at the end of the speech. I read that as someone became the champion right, just as someone could become the champion left. xD You need a comma to indicate the manner in which the word is meant.
I think that's meant to say "come up with" rather than "come with."
"Poké ball" is actually two words. I think this is a pretty unknown fact.
I love packing things in my mag.
Because "what I would see" and "who I would meet" are essentially two components of a list, I think that the first comma needs to be a colon. It could be debated that the second comma could be a semicolon but that's getting technical and it's probably a matter of personal stylisation.
Okay! Finished the corrections. I'm excited to see two stories put up in one day. I want to get around to reading all of the ones that have cropped up in the past few weeks, because PXR is usually quite devoid of stories in this section. D: So thank you for posting something, and I'm keen to see where this goes. It's quite an interesting concept, although I have to pose the question: who else is trying to stop this tragic destruction? Surely authorities are on the hunt for the trainer who captured Giratina, and on top of that, I'd expect the trainer to have come forward and released Giratina. Either that or I'd expect Giratina to live up to its expectations and duties and escape from its trainer (unless it's been cooped up in a poké ball all of its captured life).
I like that you've already established a plotline, and it's a pretty interesting one that I think you can do a lot with. I wonder why Cyrus bothered to have a kid at all if he was gonna stick around till the birth and then just vanish. xD Maybe he got crazier while the pregnancy occurred, and then left after Stella's birth. I wonder if she'll find her father again, and what she'll discover along the way. I also like that she has some pokemon already, and I look forward to hearing about them too, and how they got into her possession. x) And what her life in general is like. xD At the moment I'm not sure if she's in school or what... lel. Let's hope not if she's gonna randomly go to another town to pursue her own goals (and, really, the interest of the entire region xD).
I have a lot of unanswered questions, but I look forward to reading more and seeing them answered. :D On the note of being a (possibly annoying) responsible mod, I wanted to remind you that it's polite to acknowledge and/or thank the people who have read and reviewed your story. Remember, people made an effort to set aside time to read and comment on your story. It's pretty rude not to say anything back to them... xD
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